From Falling Asleep to Finding Myself: A Black Woman's Meditation Journey
When I first started meditating in 2018, I'll be completely honest—I was doing it for the money. I was trapped in an abusive marriage, working but not earning enough to survive independently, and desperately seeking a way out. The leaders of an MLM I had joined mentioned meditation as part of their success formula, and I figured, why not try? Little did I know this practice would transform my entire life beyond any financial aspirations I originally had.
My first meditation experience remains etched in my memory. I downloaded an app called Omvana, found a 45-minute guided visualization, and settled on my couch one morning before work. The meditation walked me through a dark castle with spiraling stairs, eventually leading to a lighthouse where I was asked to adjust three metaphorical levers representing what I wanted in life—risk, satisfaction, and a third I can't recall. What happened next was extraordinary: I fell into the deepest, most cathartic sleep I've ever experienced. So profound was this rest that I missed work calls, texts from my then-husband, and slept for nearly five hours straight. My traumatized body had finally found permission to truly rest.
Those three metaphorical levers became instrumental in my journey to leave my abusive marriage. I was deeply trauma-bonded, caught in cycles of abuse and false promises of change. But regularly revisiting those levers in meditation—especially the one about how much risk I was willing to take for a better life—slowly shifted my perspective. This wasn't just about money anymore; it was about survival and eventually thriving. For someone with complex PTSD, acute anxiety disorder, and a young child to care for, finding moments of peace seemed impossible. Yet meditation provided exactly that.
My journey wasn't linear or perfect. As someone who describes herself as "basically narcoleptic," staying awake during meditation proved challenging. I transitioned to walking meditations, listening to guided sessions during 15-minute work breaks regardless of weather conditions. These became the highlights of my day, moments of reprieve from constant anxiety and panic attacks. I built up gradually—starting with just one minute daily, then three, then five, eventually reaching twenty minutes without falling asleep. Eight years later, I've logged hundreds of meditation hours across various apps and styles.
The timing of establishing this practice proved providential. Around 2020, I entered perimenopause, which significantly worsened my pre-existing mental health conditions. Depression deepened, anxiety intensified, and my ADHD became almost unmanageable. Since 2022, I haven't been able to maintain full-time employment. During my darkest moments in 2023, when extreme poverty and hormonal fluctuations led to serious suicidal ideation, meditation remained my anchor to peace. I genuinely wonder if I would have survived without this foundation of mindfulness practice.
As a Black woman, I believe meditation is a profoundly underutilized tool in our community. The societal expectations of strength and resilience placed on Black women often make vulnerability and stillness seem counterintuitive or even frightening. Yet sitting with ourselves, becoming attuned to our bodies' signals, and teaching our nervous systems to calm down are revolutionary acts of self-care. Having previously practiced deep prayer as an evangelical Christian, I've found meditation offers something different yet complementary—connection with myself rather than solely with a higher power.
Whether you're struggling with trauma, anxiety, depression, or simply the overwhelming nature of modern life, I encourage you to explore meditation. Start small—just one minute daily. Use free YouTube videos or apps. Find what works for your body and mind. You are worthy of peace, worthy of a calm nervous system, deserving of cultivating moments of stillness. In a world that constantly pushes us to do more and be more, sometimes the most powerful act of self-love is simply to be still and breathe.
I go into some depth on my journey with meditation on my latest podcast episode. Available everywhere you listen to podcasts or you can watch on YouTube: Out Here Tryna Survive.
Meditatation is a game changer. I pray you’ll give it a shot.
Love,
grace
